How To Deal With An Abusive Husband: It is crystal clear that women are regular victims of marital abuse. Yes, women are more likely to be abused by the husband that the other way round. The statistics speaks louder in this regard. Inasmuch as it is a sensitive statement to say that women tend to be more vulnerable to abuse, it is a general fact which has proved itself. Men tend to be physically stronger than women, and the situation is made worse when coupled with the patriarchal nature of our society.
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not suffered or endured. Whichever part it is wallowing towards, the union ordinarily should thrive forever; until death does them apart. The ordinary human nature would choose pleasure all the time over pain. It is quite laughable when people say things like, – “If it were to be me, I would do this and that…” the juice is that most often, the victims are incapacitated emotionally, physically, financially and so on, to even think of doing anything. So they’d end up enduring until they perish in the marriage.
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Crystalina Evert said that “everyone always knows when our friends should let go of a relationship until we become that friend.” This statement translates to the fact that victims are always so incapacitated that they do not even know what to do. The best position to take is to never be a victim at all. How do we even avoid being stuck in marriage to an abusive husband in the first place? Sometimes the signs are there and are foreshadowed during courtship, but may be neglected or be blinded by circumstances. Pray and hope for a successful and enjoyable marriage where the husband loves, respects and honours his woman.
The term “dealing with an abusing husband” suggests all possible means to place the abuse to a halt. An abusive could be physical and/or psychological. While we hope never to be victims, below are how to deal with an abusive husband.
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How to Handle an Abusive Husband In Marriage Or Relationship
1. Set a standard of non-tolerance for abuse: Some ladies have been pressured into the misconception of what it means to be a submissive wife. It is an anomaly from the pit of hell for a person to abuse a fellow human being or even an animal, talk more of one’s own wife. Do not allow abuse to sit right with you. Do not tolerate abuse, whichever way it is coming from.
Tolerating an abuse does not translate to being submissive, it is rather a direct reflection of stupidity. Of course, no person is comfortable with an abuse, but one may through initial tolerance and endurance, enable an abuse progressively, and from there the degree begins to escalate. You should set a standard of non-tolerance for abuse. Never get comfortable with an abuse!
2. Have an escape plan: This is very important. An abusive husband can kill you. It is a sad truth that an abusive person will always remain abusive. Personality does not really change materially like that, although it is very possible to change. In most cases of marital abuse by the husband, they usually come back begging for forgiveness and to be given a second chance after it has become clear to them as to what they have done.
While you keep on trusting that your husband becomes a better person, you should draw an escape plan in security for your life. As the wife, you know the house better. You use what is available in the house to build an escape plan.
It could be securing constant access to the escape doors, having an emergency number, securing spare car key, avoid locked up or enclosed spaces, have enough cash on you always and so on. Do not stand to withstand and endure abuse. You should have access to the doors and the gates and make use of them aptly.
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3. Have a relative you can talk to confidently: You are not having a fulfilled life if you have no one that you can pour out your heart to. There is always a relative that is most favourite to you and by your instincts you can trust him or her. Balanced must be placed on protecting your marriage and protecting your life.
As petty and insecure as it may sound, it is always best to have that one person who knows what is going on. That one relative can be your refuge, your comforter and your adviser. You can always trust his objectivity since the person is not a party to your marriage. It could be any of your siblings, your father or your mother.
4. Initiate talks with your husband: Inasmuch as desperate situations demand desperate measures, it does not ever follow that violence can be solved by employing violence. In the history of violence, peace has never been attained when the violence is approached by violence. Marriage has been aptly described as democratic politics simplified. Democracy is dialogue and vice versa.
All this logic is to justify the above heading. A lot can be achieved through dialogue. You can deal with an abusive husband by confronting him by initiating talks with him. Due to individual differences, a wife knows her husband better and should know the way best to initiate such a sensitive conversation.
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5. Engage an expert and/or a therapist: A therapist is equally an expert. The specialist therapists undertake to handle such situations for a fee. They are to guide a victim through managing the emotional disrupt which comes from marital abuse.
They are to work hand in hand with the victim to discover the root cause of the problem and proffer tested and trusted solutions to manage the situation. You can always trust the experts to stick to their professional ethics. While managing your situation, you can trust them not to overstep their boundary. This is not in disregard to the possibility of meeting quack experts. It is best to meet experts based on recommendations.
6. Get your husband to see a therapist: As difficult as the task may sound, it is very doable. We earlier talked about initiating talks with your husband. Abusive husband is like an insane person. He has sane moments and sane tricks. You can initiate talks about seeing a therapist with you during his sane moment.
It is easier if the abusive husband is such that shows remorse after committing the atrocity. An abusive husband actually needs to see a therapist. It could be specifically a marriage counselor.
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7. Report to an authority: When the matter begins to go out of hand, you can take several steps further and report to an authority. Of course he might be infuriated when you report to people about your marital issues, but you have to do it anyway. The outcome however cannot be predicted whether your marriage can be saved or not, but you will definitely win. Marital abuse is a grievous anomaly which no authority supports.
Authorities range from your immediate family head, persons that you know your husband is submissive to and professional authorities. Such authorities know that marriage issues are sensitive matters and should be handled sensitively and not publicly.
8. If you believe in anything, pray to it
If you believe in God, pray to Him.
9. File for a Separation or Divorce: Separation and divorce are different, although they can be filed based on similar same facts. When separation is granted, the marriage still subsists but the spouse are not obliged to live together or be entitled to any marital obligation except for maintenance when ordered. Separation has a temporary effect.
Divorce on the other hand completely terminates the marriage. Having noted the difference, the wife knows which of the matrimonial remedies is best for her to pursue, having regards to her situation.
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Marital abuse is something nobody wishes to encounter. It is a bondage and an awful situation which hunts victims forever. While the remedies recommended above are substantial, we wish all marriages the best of it.
Edeh Samuel Chukwuemeka ACMC, is a Law Student and a Certified Mediator/Conciliator in Nigeria. He is also a Developer with knowledge in HTML, CSS, JS, PHP and React Native. Samuel is bent on changing the legal profession by building Web and Mobile Apps that will make legal research a lot easier.